Tag: Alzheimer's

From My Family To Yours

From left: Ric, Mom (deceased), Dad, Franz, and Rose (not in photo: Kathy and Vijay)

It took me a while to pen this message of gratitude to all those who have shared in our grief and offered their love and support. It has been a difficult week for me, where I even broke down in one of my office meetings last Monday. The physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion over that weekend (when we finally put Mom in her final resting place) may have caused it, where I was not as ready as I thought I would be to go back to work the next day. I realized that putting a loved one to rest is more painful than learning she has passed on, where it finally hits you that she is truly gone. After a week of immersing myself with work as a welcome distraction, I now have mustered enough physical strength, mental fortitude, and emotional resolve to acknowledge the people who, in one way or another, lifted our spirits even if something inside me was broken and lost. Only time can tell if I can completely move on from this.

Dra. Fernandez, I know that your regular home visits had averted the further deterioration of Mom’s health. You have not just given her a new lease of life, but has provided us the gift of time to be with her even for just a little while. Up to her passing, you have assisted us by setting us up in a priority lane in the one and only crematorium in Iloilo City. You are a perfect example of what Mom used to say, that money can’t make everything possible, relationships and goodwill do.

Jane and Monique (my Mom’s caregivers), you have looked over my Mom even when she was already sound asleep during the 3-day wake. Jane, you were my hands and legs when mine were all tied up as I was on hotel quarantine where I did all the arrangements from my hotel room. You did not just take and execute all my instructions to the letter, but also have the initiative to tell me what else needs to be done. You did this not because you were under our employ, but because you cared. You did all these out of the kindness of your heart.

Iloilo City’s homegrown charities (top) Asilo De Molo Home for the Aged and Orphanage (photo from website) and (bottom) Carmelite Monastery (photo courtesy of Kathleen Zap)

My cousins, oh my dear cousins. From the four corners of the world, collectively you were our support system during these trying times. Each of you may have a story to tell about how my Mom has touched your lives, but this time you have touched ours. We are overwhelmed with the outpouring of support, from the sympathies and empathies, to the flowers, prayers/mass cards, and monetary contributions, I can’t say enough how much I appreciate all of you. Please allow me to give extra dose or booster shot of gratitude to:

Leila, your love for Mom was boundless, from the time you and Liz offered to donate blood when Mom was in critical condition back in 2018 up to the time you offered your memorial plan so that Mom’s remains can be taken care of seamlessly. You were the first one I called for help and broke down to after learning of my Mom’s passing, you cried with me and offered to handle things while I was still miles away. You even sent food to my hotel room while I was on quarantine when I got home. I can’t thank you enough.

Jean, simple words like “Ano pwede namon maibulig?” (How can we help?) were more than enough to realize that I wasn’t alone in this. You have no idea how much those words have warmed my heart. You weren’t just the first one to reach out, but you came through for us especially when I told you about my Dad’s wish to have plenty of flowers for Mom. You sent not one but three wreaths on top of shouldering the snacks for the 3-day wake. To cap this generosity, you asked me if there is still anything else that we need and told me not to hesitate to ask for help. Again, simple words that made us feel loved. You and your siblings have always had our backs. I can’t thank you enough.

Manong Boy, you showed that distance is not a deterrent in giving love and comfort. I think you called me twice from Down Under where I wasn’t able to pick up the phone and left me a text to message you if I’m ready to take your call. You and your siblings have been good to Mom and Dad. I know that you would always see Mom and Dad every time you’re in the country and even buy them stuff. Trust that your and your siblings generous monetary contribution will be put to good use. I can’t thank you enough.

Winston, Bonna, Erwin, Carmela, Tan, and Chubby, your presence and support during the wake and mass made me feel that I am truly home. Ton, arranging for the priest for the mass made it worry-free for me by taking one important item off my list. Chubby, you provided humor and amusement, something that we were in dire need of. Win, not just did you bring the snacks to the wake, but the offer of assistance that you whispered to my ears made me feel so blessed that it reminded me of how your Dad would used to offer assistance to my Mom. You also told me that one thing that left a lasting impression on you about Mom is that she was generous to those who have less in life. I can’t thank you enough.

I can’t thank all of you individually, my dear cousins, but believe me when I say that we love all of you very much.

Uncles and Aunties, aside from the sympathies, comfort, prayers, and monetary contributions, your greatest gifts to us are your children. You have raised loving, respectful, thoughtful, caring individuals who loved my Mom as much as they love you. Auntie Linda, you were there in both days that I was able to be with Mom to pay my last respects, your presence was enough to remind me of how much you loved my family, and how close you were to my Mom. I love you Auntie and thank you for being there for us.

To my office friends, seniors, peers, and colleagues, both onshore and offshore, you came together to raise a generous contribution and also able to send flowers and offer prayers/mass cards, thank you for the kind thoughts and for your endless generosity (I know we just came from a fundraising activity for one of our dear colleagues). Please allow me to give extra dose or booster shot of thanks to Nancy, Karlvin, and Peter for organizing the fundraising. Trust that your contributions would be put to good use.

Speaking of coming together, thank you to our neighbors who have sent their sympathies and monetary contributions. Tito Boy shared how Mom made things possible for the homeowner’s association when she was President, and all I can think of was “That’s my Mom.”

To all those who came to the wake and mass, offered flowers, prayers/mass cards, and sympathies in spite of the pandemic and current restrictions, you have manifested that even during these difficult times, your love and friendship prevail. To family in-laws and relatives, friends here and abroad, all of whom have extended their condolences and offered to listen if we want to share our thoughts with and pour our emotions out onto them, your loving gestures were already more than enough to know that we have good people in our lives. We appreciate all of you.

In loving memory of my Mom

My family has decided that we would pay it forward your love and generosity by donating half of all monetary contributions or $1,025 (about Php52,000) to Cure Alzheimer’s Fund (in loving memory of my Mom) and the other half to Iloilo’s homegrown non-profit organizations such as Asilo De Molo Home of the Aged (Php 25,000) and to my Mom’s favorite charity, the Sisters of Carmelite (Php 25,000 to be handed over on my next trip to Iloilo City as the monastery has been recently hit by COVID). By supporting the Alzheimer’s research fund, we hope that no other family in the future will have to go thru the pain of losing a loved one long before the same passes on. We believe this is consistent with Mom’s values. We know in our hearts that this is what Mom would wish us to do, not because we have enough in life, but it is the right thing to do.

From my family to yours, Madamo gid nga salamat kag palangga gid namon kamo tanan.

P.S. I’ve finally got the chance to visit Asilo de Molo Home of the Aged and Sisters of Carmelite to give the donations during this time (February 2022) when quarantine requirements have been relaxed. Below is the ‘Thank You” message from Sister Nieva Manzano (Administrator of Asilo de Molo).

Dear Mom

I didn’t expect that my first trip during this lockdown would be to see you go. I didn’t know that my first flight is also your last, albeit in different destinations. You left us without saying goodbye, but I do understand. I know that it pains you to leave us, as much as it hurts knowing that you’re gone.

But I also know that you fought for us. You tried every means within your power to hold on and stay for us. Your battles against giants such as pneumonia, Alzheimer’s, and Parkinson’s in the last 3 years have made you the David to these Goliaths. I have personally witnessed how you struggled, how these demons have weakened your body, but have also strengthened your spirit. All to be with us and to keep our family intact.

The last 3 years have been very difficult for you and for us. We almost lost you in 2018 when you were in ICU for 3 weeks. You were in and out of the hospital before then, as well as after. It didn’t help that when the pandemic started, the most we can do during this period was having intermittent doctor home visits just to make sure that your medical needs were met, and a makeshift hospital room at home with the basic of equipments to ensure that we are always ready when new bouts of infections set in. You receive your nutrition thru a catheter, and you were constantly tossed and turned to change your position in bed to avoid sores and ulcerations. Jane and Monique, your caregivers, who have grown fond of you, have performed these tasks diligently round the clock, which gave me a new found appreciation of the work that caregivers do. It didn’t help as well that you developed Parkinson’s, which keeps you bedridden. or at times in a wheelchair. Gone were the days that you could walked past every able-bodied person 50 years your junior.

But the most painful part of your struggles was not the physical incapacities. It was the mental part. After seeing you in one of my regular trips to Iloilo after your discharge from ICU in 2018, you didn’t know this but I broke down at the Iloilo airport on my way back to Manila. That was when your doctor confirmed my suspicion that you may be suffering from Alzheimer’s. At that time, I can’t bear the thought of you losing all the precious memories of us, much more not able to recognize us when you see us. I can’t help but cried a river while waiting for my flight.

Those memories that we hold dear will soon be gone and in its stead will just be snippets of it over time. Memories of our childhood where you would protect us from the sun by having an umbrella over our heads during hours long parade (that’s probably why my complexion still looks great after all these years). Memories of our teenage years when you were struggling on how to deal with teenage boys, particularly when we start to answer back. I do understand that for your generation, where you were raised in a very restricted and conservative society then, it’s disrespectful to answer back to an elder, that a child should never challenge a parent, or even reason out. We were lucky to grow up having able to marry these two schools of thought: filial piety (respect for parents or elders) and having an independent mind. But in spite of our differences, there is one thing that you taught us that I believe we would all agree with: that a person’s wealth is not measured by material things, but the richness of one’s heart and values. That if we were stripped of everything down to our bare essentials, all we have is our name.

You may not be the perfect Mom, or have the most desirable parenting skills, but you have brought up four adults that you can be proud of. We know that you’ve been very proud of us. You always tell people that your greatest treasure are your children. That we are the best gifts that you got from above. But no Mom, you are our greatest treasure. You are the best gift we had. Your legacy lives within us. Yet that legacy has been undermined by Alzheimer’s.

Alzheimer’s is only a relief if we have regrets. I regret that I didn’t say I love you as much as I can. I regret those fights that we had and those periods of time that I didn’t talk to you out of anger. I regret that I wasn’t there for you these past months. I regret that I wasn’t able to say I’m sorry. Please forgive me Mom.

It pains us that you are no longer with us. There are no truer words than this borrowed quote from Josh Groban: “The grief of loss is the payback for the gift of love.” Mom, you gifted us with a love that only a mother can give, that’s why we are grieving. I know that only time can heal our broken hearts, that’s why we would rather celebrate you today than be lost in our grief. Thank you Mom for all your sacrifices in raising us and putting your family first. I know that you gave up promotion opportunities that will keep you away from us for periods of time. Thank you for the discipline that you have instilled in us, as well as the values that you have inculcated, such as always doing the right thing. That we may lose everything, but never lose our good name. Coz that is all we got. Thank you for your generous heart, not only caring for your own family, but also for everyone else whose lives you have touched (my cousins would surely attest to that). Most of all, thank you for the time, the good times and the bad, coz even in the shadows of Alzheimer’s, the memories would always be shared between us and will live on forever.

This is not goodbye, but see yeah in the after life. We love you Mom.

Your loving son (who’s missing you so much),

Franz